Almost 2010

Wow I can't believe that tomorrow will be 2010! Time seems to fly by!
Madison has turned 1 and Zander has turned 3! Birthday parties have come and gone. Madison is still hanging onto things to walk but she can stand up for a couple seconds by herself now. I have a feeling that right before we go to disneyworld at the end of January she will decide to take her first steps and want to walk the whole time down there! Madison is very much a doll girl - her favorite dolls are one that coos and cries and one that crawls - she tries to take them everywhere with her! She has no problem saying mama now and likes to scream it to get her own way!
Zander is becoming quite the big boy now. He has tried skating once and stayed up for about 5 minutes but prefers to go on the ice with his boots as he's faster to catch his cousins! This was the first year that Zander was quite fasinated with the idea of santa - we read quite a few books about the magic of christmas and he eagerly awaited his letter back from santa. To be a kid again and believe anything is possible and be satisfied with the answer "it's magic". Zander was in the church christmas concert this year, he was a shepherd. The best part about the concert was the last song they sang seeing Zander shake bells and yell out the chorus - I still can't believe he is old enough to be up there!
We celebrated Rawson christmas the weekend before christmas and both kids got very, very spoilt! Zander had an awesome time running around with Aidan and Madison enjoyed being the center of it all! Christmas at mom's house was smaller this year, the absence of Matthew was noticable, it's hard to believe it's almost been a year since he passed, it's strange to think that life goes on even when you think time should stop. Zander quite often talks about Auntie Melanie and Matthew and how they are both watching us, it warms my heart.
With the weather being colder this year it is very nice to have an indoor rink to use whenever, Madison loves going for sleigh rides. Santa brought Zander a pedal tractor and he is getting quite good at it, for right now it's downstairs but if the weather ever warms up I'm hoping it will go out to the garage and driveway - he says he's going to shovel the snow with it for me!
We are counting down the days until we head off to disneyworld. I am quite excited, maybe Chris and I more so then the kids. Zander says he can't wait to see Mickey but I have a feeling when he sees him he will be awfully shy! I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and hope you all have a safe and happy New Years!

November 2009

I have to say I am very bad lately at writing in this blog. Sometimes it seems like life just takes over and there is no time for anything! There is a country song out right now where a guy is complaining that his wife is pregnant again and his friend says "that seems like life to me, it's not a fantasy" I think that sums up life perfectly. No matter what I seem to plan or expect to happen quite often the opposite happens! I am happy to report that harvest is finally over! Chris stuff was finished over the weekend and his dad is done just yesterday! Man did it take forever and feel like it was never ending! The year we got married we combined until the end of october and I thought that was long:) We've spent this week in red deer at a trade show for the shop, which has been a nice change from chris gone to the field! Although I have to say I had really good intentions when we got here about getting all the x-mas shopping done and I haven't done any - yet I seem to have bought alot!
Thankfully neither Madison or Zander has got h1n1 yet- they both got the shots for it though - what a tough decision! Madison is still fighting pnemonia, she seems to not be able to shake it and just when we think she's better it comes back full force. She does very well with the nebulizer though, quite often falling asleep with it on! In 2 weeks Madison will be 1 - it is so hard to believe! she continues to be a pest hanging onto things and walking. she also loves to crawl and chase me and then stand up hanging onto me and scream until I pick her up - I long for the days when she couldn't crawl! She is a very spoilt baby wanting to constantly be held and only sleeping if she is in our bed. Zander on the other hand will only sleep if I'm in his bed - I don't remember what it's like to sleep in our nice king size bed! Madison loves to mimic, her thing right now is if she finds a cloth on the floor she pretends to wash the floor, she also loves to carry things around in her mouth - espesically socks! she loves to pretend to talk on the phone and brush her hair.
Zander is coming close to turning 3. I'm hoping that will mean the end of the terrible 2's - because at times they have been terrible! His new feat for the week was swimming without his lifejacket with only water wings on and he did great - with the slide and jumping into the water - he has no fear which of course scares me spitless! Lately it seems like he is becoming increasing jealous of madison, whether it is because she has been sick so she gets more attention, I'm not sure but I thought this would have happened more so when she was still "new". I'm hoping that like everything this is once again a stage. Or maybe I'll just blame it on teething!

Fall or Winter?

With the weather we're experiencing I'm not quite sure if it's fall or winter outside! We made our first snowman of the season today! The weather was plus 2 and just gorgeous for snowman making - a snowball fight happened after:) Madison enjoyed her first time out in the snow, although when she put her face right into it she wasn't sure what to think.
So harvest has begun - I say begun as we have not yet finished. Right now we're waiting, hoping for warm weather again so maybe we can start up again. We celebrated our 4 year anniversary this october and in all the four years this harvest has definitely been the most stressful. I'm not sure how farmers do it, they must have amazing optimism and strength. As I'm sure almost anyone would say about me I'm not an optimistic person and seeing the snow come this fall was quite depressing.
But onto happier matters Madison and Zander both continue to grow and change everyday. Zander had a tooth in the front missing, it just never came in and we were told he probably would never get one there and for about 2 weeks he was just miserable to live with and all of a sudden I noticed that his tooth was coming in! I guess I really could keep blaming his tempers on teething:)
Madison is crawling everywhere and now pulling herself up to everything and just yesterday she started walking around things. She loves to say dada and is getting better at saying mama, although she still usually only says it when she's really mad! She has 7 teeth now and wants to eat everything we do. I can't believe that in about a month she will be turning 1, time goes by so fast. One of the pictures above is of Madison smiling her classic Madison smile, nose scrunched and eyes almost closed, this is when she is truly happy, I like to think of it as pure, innocent happiness, where nothing else matters.

One year later

As I'm sitting here writing this my mind is really back one year ago, where at about this time in the afternoon I was at moms house watching Zander and Kaitlyn playing outside (it was quite hot out, not like the rainy day today) when dad came walking up to tell us the horrible news. My first reaction was to run into the house and phone Chris who was at the farm, it was the first day of combining. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, from making phone calls to brothers to break the news to hugging Zander close. I can't believe it's been a year. The weather outside being windy and rainy today quite matches my mood. Right now I'm varying between bursts of tears to cuddling Zander and Madison.
It just doesn't seem right or fair somehow that life has gone on, that I keep moving and breathing when Melanie doesn't. It's amazing how I can trick myself into thinking that nothings happened, that Mel's just living in Calgary or somewhere where we don't get to see her much. And then suddenly reality comes blaring back into focus and it's hard to catch my breath and keep from crying.
I still have nightmares about that week and I'm sure I probably always will. Zander still talks about Auntie Melanie and how she's on angel watching us, and when it rains he screams "Auntie Melanie stop splashing!" It makes me so sad to think that Madison will never get to meet her, Mel will never do Madison's hair or makeup. Last night lying in bed trying to sleep I thought I heard her voice saying "hello", just like she use to when she walked in the house, always happy, telling me to lighten up or that everything would be fine and I should just be happy. I'm sure that's what she would be telling me now that everything will work out and I should just be happy. I have so many regrets and unanswered questions that I know I should stop beating myself up about but it's hard. Today is just a hard, hard day.

So wonderful to have summer heat! Zander has been enjoying time in the hot tub, we are starting to take him out of his life jacket and slowly begin teaching him to swim. He loves to put his head under the water and blow bubbles, it is amazing how unafraid he is. Madison loves the water as well - especially when Zander splashes her, it makes her laugh and laugh! Chris and I enjoyed a rider game, and although the riders lost Chris had so much fun, and I had fun just watching him. He can't wait until Zander is old enough to enjoy sports with him and can't wait to take him to games. Madison is sporting 2 teeth on the bottom and is loving all the new foods she can try, although in true kid fashion the veggies are not her favorites and would much rather eat fruits! Yesterday she tried popcorn twists for the first time and I think that's her new favorite!
Summer has seemed to fly by, it doesn't seem like I get much done in a day - I thought Zander was a hand full but Madison is a little tyrant! She wants to be held and entertained all day and if she doesn't get her own way man can she scream! Chris says she's just like me! I have to say people with more than 2 kids amaze me, I don't know how moms do it. One thing I have to say that I dislike is when I meet new people, or run into old acquintances, they ask what I'm up to and once I say I have 2 kids, it's the standard - "on you stay at home, must be nice". I have to admit at one point in time that would have been my response as well, but people have no idea what staying at home means. I love it when Chris comes home from work, looks around, and asks what I did all day. Of course my response is, watched tv and ate chocolate! I never knew how much attention kids take, somedays if I get my teeth brushed and clothes on by lunch I think I'm doing awesome! I have to say I think my mom is a miracle worker and amazing - 8 kids! Although no matter how much I complaine I wouldn't trade my life for anyones. Lately I find myself thinking back to the days bk (before kids) or bm (before marriage) and at times I do miss it and wish I could have one more day like that, but then Madison will laugh or Zander will climb something or Chris will kiss me and I know it's all worth it! Oops Madison is awake crying - demanding I make her some lunch - time to be a mom again!

Summer time fun

Well we are finally getting some nice warm weather! Zander is loving it outside - Chris and him put water on the trampoline for the first time yesterday and he loved it! Madison is not too sure of grass yet - she has quite a fit it she gets anywhere close to it. Yesterday we had a nice weiner roast, (our first of the season) with my family that is close by. Zander had an awesome time running around with the cousins, although his meal consisted of marshmallows and chocolate! Madison was in her glory with attention, although she sure loved her papa, sitting with him most of the time.
So seeding has come and gone. It didn't seem as long this year as we moved out to the warm for weekends, which helped Chris as he didn't have to drive at night and we got to see him more. Zander loved going for tractor rides and just about everytime fell asleep with his daddy in the tractor - so cute:) Zanders new favorite toy at the farm is this old go cart behind the shop in the tall grass. It has no tires and is basically just a metal frame with a steering wheel, but he can pretend on it for hours! Zander still has lots of imaginary friends and he loves to pretend to be batman. We went with mom and Kaitlyn to the children's festival, where we met up with Jennifer, Blake and Kendra. Zander had a great time, his favorite part was a man dressed up as a tree. He got his face painted as yes batman! We've also had our anual fiske sports day and Zander got to ride on the train for the first time, well that's all he did for the rest of the day! It was raining but he didn't care!
Now we are getting ready to go to a tradeshow in Regina tomorrow for the week. It should be interesting as it's really our first trip with Madison and Zander and until Wednesday it'll be just the kids and me while Chris is setting up and mom doesn't come until then! So wish me luck - hopefully the weathers nice and we can find a park close to the hotel and play lots!

April 2009

I know it's been awhile since I've wrote anything and I have to say I was avoiding it. When I write in here I spend time thinking about what has happened in our lives since I wrote last and I didn't want to think about anything this time. So here I am finally writing, Zander is watching Franklin and Madison is saying on the floor playing with her music toy and I'm wondering how much time they'll give me to reflect.
We've had another death in the family - this time on Chris side, his Grandma Tyson passed away. She had been in the lodge for about a year now and we knew it was coming but even though you know it's coming it's hard to prepare yourself for when it does come. Chris took the news really hard, it was during the day and he came home to tell me and both kids luckily were sleeping. He picked up this ceramic dog that we got from her and just sat in a chair and cried for awhile. When we dated I never would have guessed this side of him. When Melanie passed away I got to see a side of Chris that I never knew existed, his soft, emotional side, a side that is reserved for deaths. So this is the third death for us in the past year and I'm hoping the last for quite awhile. The last time we visited Grandma Tyson we took the kids with us and after about 15 minutes of getting no response we were about to leave when she opened her eyes. We got about 10 minutes with her where Madison got to lay beside her and hold her finger and Zander got to talk to her and give her kisses. It was a perfect last visit and a perfect way to remember her as she loved to see her great grandkids.
Easter has come and gone, we spent a day at Melissa's house for Rawson easter and then a day at the hall for Epp easter. Zander had a blast both days and Madison was held and entertained both days so she was happy as could be.
I'm now cast free! It's been about 2 weeks and I'm starting to walk sort of normal. I still have a limp and can only walk short amounts or I have to use my crutches again, but it feels amazing to walk and I welcome each stab of pain as it is a means to independence! I think Chris is enjoying it as well as he no longer is in charge of all the laundry:)
So now we're all able to go outside together and play! We had a couple of nice days although today it's back to being cold and windy. Madison loves the stroller and for now is content to sit and watch. Zander fo course loves to run and is very good at stopping to wait for limpy (me) to catch up to him. We've put out the hot tub again and Zander can't wait to go swimming, although he's going to have to wait for the wind to stop. Yesterday Madison wiggled herself half way across the living room to get to a toy she wanted! She can't figure out how to get her tummy off the floor so she goes like a snake on her belly! but in the end she got what she wanted so I guess whatever workd. So now we spend our days outside if it's nice, so I hope we have some more good weather coming our way!

I want to thank everyone for all of their help and prayers over the last couple of weeks. It has been amazing to see how people in the community have helped our family. We've had food delivered to us and visits which has been great for the soul. Chris mom took a couple days off work and came out to help with the kids which was great as I could take a break and put my foot up for a bit. My mom has also been a wonderful help, coming and doing laundry, bathing Madison and taking the kids for us so we could go to the city for all of the doctor appointments. I was able to go for my surgery and things went well. They only had to put 1 plate, 2 bolts and 7 screws in. One thing I asked was if I would set off the metal alarms in airports and I was told I probably would. I got my new cast on Wednesday and it is a fibre glass cast that is bright pink, so at least I was able to have so fun picking out the color. Zander keeps calling it blue (but if you ask him everything is blue!) and he pretends now that his ankle is broken and tells me that he can't walk but the doctor will make it better! He is getting to be quite the little pretender, he now has imaginary friends, who he calls Katie, Grandma and Papa! I love watching him play and our new thing to do together is to play with playdough while Madison is sleeping. Madison is still growing like a weed and smiling, she loves to sit up now - we bought her a bumbo chair (pictured above) and she can sit in it for a couple of minutes at a time so her neck is getting stronger. I'm not sure if Madison is coulicy or not, but she usually has a couple of hours a day where she just screams and it doesn't matter what I do, I have to say it is very distressing and quite often bring me to tears as I hate not being able to stop her crying, so in the end I end up putting her down usually in the swing and Zander gets mad at me because his little sister is crying! He has gotten to be quite the protective big brother. Chris will come home from work and pick Madison up and instant quiet. It drives me nuts! She is already a daddy suck. I'm getting quite good with the wheelchair and the crutches. I get my cast off on April 8, just before easter but I still won't be able to walk on my own as I am not allowed to put weight on my foot for another 2 weeks so it will be a long March and April, but Zander is being a great help and he still loves to cuddle which I love too!

slippery ice

A horrible thing happened to me on friday night - well stepping out of our truck my right foot hit a patch of ice and down I went - breaking 3 bones in my ankle. So since then I'm on my second temporary cast and waiting for the call saying "come and get surgery". Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll get the call sometime this week. I get 3 metal plates and quite a few screws put in and then a cast for 7 weeks - yes that's right 7 weeks! We had a Edmonton trip planned for the end of March as we're not going away this winter and now because of me we have to cancel! As you can tell I'm a little bummed about all of this. It's amazing how many things I took for granted - just getting up off the couch is a 5 minute job with Chris standing beside me making sure I get into the wheelchair okay. I never really thought of myself as a super independent person but now I'm completely dependent on Chris - anything I want I have to ask for and it's quite demeaning to my self confidence. It makes things really hard with Madison only being 3 months old and Zander being a 2 year old doesn't quite understand why I can't go on the floor and play with him or why I can't get him a drink when he wants it. Madison is a quite demanding little baby who doesn't want to be put down and wants to eat constantly! Chris is taking a couple days off work to help me get situated and hopefully after the surgery my ankle won't hurt quite so much. So onto the subject of kids - Madison and Zander are both doing great, they are growing like weeds. Madison is smiling like crazy and Zander loves holding her, talking to her and singing to her. At Madison's 2 months check up she weighed 10 pounds 3 ounces, she is super long and growing out of all of her clothes! We will keep you updated on how the ankle is coming and how the kids are helping me cope.

In remembrance of Matthew Epp

Matthew Epp passed away January 2, 2009. Once again our house is filled with saddness. Many people knew Matthew - he was a celebrity - on tv, the radio and with his book. The Matthew that I knew was as my nephew and my friend. When I first met Matthew I was only 15 and he was 6, even though there is 9 years seperating us it always seemed like we were more friends, I still remember summers spent jumping on the trampoline with water, four wheeling and just sitting around eating. I consider myself very lucky because I was able to watch Matthew grow up into the amazing person he became. Matthew had a special place in his heart for Zander - no matter how he was feeling he always seemed to find strength to pick Zander up and give him a hug and a kiss - I know Zander loved Matthew and he would refuse to go to bed if he knew Matthew was going to be coming over for a movie at our house! I am very thankful that Matthew got the chance to meet Madison and I got a picture of him holding her (I know me and pictures) but once Madison is older I will get to show her the picture of her cousin Matthew and tell her all about him! Even though we knew that Matthew was going to eventually pass away it was still a shock and is still hard. The night Matthew passed away I talked to Dwayne and we were going to go visit him the next afternoon, we never got the chance and that is something that I am going to always regret. At Zanders birthday Matthew talked about christmas and how he couldn't wait, I believe that he willed himself to live through the holidays and once they were over he could peacefully go to heaven.
The funeral service was very well attended and it was nice to see some of the people that Matthew's life had touched. If anyone would like to read about Matthews story Nicole has a website: http://www.caringbridge.org/canada/matthew/
if you go under journal history you can go back and read about everything he did - it is an amazing story!
At the viewing the night before the funeral we took Zander and Madison with us - I decided that I needed them with me there. When we walked into the room Zanders first words were: "Auntie Melanie" (he was pointing at Matthew). I told him no that it was Matthew and he replied that Matthew was an angel. Zander was at Melanie's viewing and it made me wonder just how much he remembers - it has been close to 5 months and he still remembers seeing her. Now at night time and morning we say "good night" to Matthew and to Auntie Melanie and he blows them both kisses. I have to say that Melanies passing has helped me cope with Matthews as I picture them together watching over us. It helps to know that Melanie was waiting for him and will take care of him for us.

Christmas - holidays

Well Christmas and the holidays are finally over! We had a very busy time. For christmas eve we had my parents and Kaitlyn over, Zander enjoyed it a lot - grandma epp read Kaitlyn and him an x-mas story before bed and he's been requesting the same story every night since! When Zander woke up on christmas morning the first thing he saw in the living room was the present from Santa - a tool bench! His jaw dropped and he ran to it, it was a perfect christmas moment, of course he didn't want to open any other presents as he was happy as could be fixing things! On christmas morning we went to Grandma and Grandpa Rawsons to open presents - Melissa, Jody, Aidan, Michelle and Jody 2 were already there. I think Zanders favorite thing was Aidan new electric 4-wheeler - needless to say come spring Zander will be getting his own for outside! Zander was a very spoilt boy from his grandparents and aunties and uncles - I'm not sure where we are going to put all the new toys in our house :)
After opening presents it was off to the civic center for Hill family christmas. There was tons of food and lots of great company. Zander had an amazing time - he loved all the girls following him around playing with him - thanks so much, Chelsea, Michaela, and Shantelle! Christmas afternoon for us was spent napping! We left to go visit Grandma Tyson and instead fell asleep at Grandma Rawsons house and slept the afternoon away - I guess that's what happens when you have a two year old and a newborn! But we were able to get a quick visit with Grandma Tyson and then headed back to the civic center for more food! Madison got held lots on Christmas day and did really well.
Boxing day and the 27th were spent with my family at Grandma and Grandpa Epps. It was a much smaller christmas than last year, and a little sadder with the adsence of Melanie. I find myself really thinking about her at this time of year and talking to Zander about her lots, I didn't realize I was doing it until Zander asked me one morning "Auntie Melanie sleeping still?" and I realized that he was waiting for me to say "good morning Auntie Melanie, we love you". I'm glad Zander still remembers her and talks about her, that's something I want to keep going. Chris took Zander skating for the first time over the holidays - just with skates that hook to the boots, Zander wasn't all that interested in skating and enjoyed it more when he just went with his boots on the ice. Christmas was also nice spending time with nephew Matthew. By Christmas time he wasn't able to eat much but he still loved being around family and he would still get into debates. The last picture I have of him is with Emma and Nicole, his mom, he was wearing a tuxedo t-shirt he got from Uncle Michael and Aunt Joanne and he was so proud of that shirt! So it was another wonderful holiday season with lots of memories made and good times had.