One year later

As I'm sitting here writing this my mind is really back one year ago, where at about this time in the afternoon I was at moms house watching Zander and Kaitlyn playing outside (it was quite hot out, not like the rainy day today) when dad came walking up to tell us the horrible news. My first reaction was to run into the house and phone Chris who was at the farm, it was the first day of combining. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, from making phone calls to brothers to break the news to hugging Zander close. I can't believe it's been a year. The weather outside being windy and rainy today quite matches my mood. Right now I'm varying between bursts of tears to cuddling Zander and Madison.
It just doesn't seem right or fair somehow that life has gone on, that I keep moving and breathing when Melanie doesn't. It's amazing how I can trick myself into thinking that nothings happened, that Mel's just living in Calgary or somewhere where we don't get to see her much. And then suddenly reality comes blaring back into focus and it's hard to catch my breath and keep from crying.
I still have nightmares about that week and I'm sure I probably always will. Zander still talks about Auntie Melanie and how she's on angel watching us, and when it rains he screams "Auntie Melanie stop splashing!" It makes me so sad to think that Madison will never get to meet her, Mel will never do Madison's hair or makeup. Last night lying in bed trying to sleep I thought I heard her voice saying "hello", just like she use to when she walked in the house, always happy, telling me to lighten up or that everything would be fine and I should just be happy. I'm sure that's what she would be telling me now that everything will work out and I should just be happy. I have so many regrets and unanswered questions that I know I should stop beating myself up about but it's hard. Today is just a hard, hard day.